A while ago I posted, on my new defunct myspace blog, about fear and being fearless, it was a post that I revisit every now and then when I discuss life, the things I do, what I accomplished, and going to accomplish. It was that turning point that brought some consciousness to what I understood as real and what is unreal. Figured it would make for some good reading:
This is one message I would love every single friend, every person Ive met, every bum Ive given a dollar to, any person I looked it, thought about, dreamed about, to read.
I have recently been telling myself that I need to get over my fears. A theme that I have placed in my personal journal (i.e. written journal), that what is holding my back from the things I wish to attain are my fears. The fears that something bad is going to happen if I try something new, fear that I’m not doing the right things, fear of change, of the future, of rejection, of peoples thoughts, impressions… fear… just fear… On countless pieces of paper, usually in big, boxed text, bold, underlined and/or circled, would be the phrase “Stop being afraid” or “Get over your fears” or “Be more bold”, or what ever three to five letter phrase of empowerment that crept into my brain and be, thrown up as ink across the faded blue lines.
Like most things, I was “working” on it, placed it on some mental to do list that would get pushed back because of bills, some new technical upgrade I needed, rest, the want to work out, the search for a companion, the search for new interesting people. The getting over my fears became inserted between being anger and frustration. I confused the two as becoming more determined and being more fearless, but I was only being delusional. The image that came to mind was a barbarian, like Conan, without fear in rags, wielding a weapon, slaying evils, taking whom ever I wanted to take without fear of death, persecution. An image that would crack like a broken mirror because of its inaccuracies (Im no Conan, Im only Leo.)
It was last night, something clicked. While viewing the movie, V for Vendetta, which had an underlying plot of overcoming ones fearsome a voice began to whisper in my ears, as someone was telling me a secret that only I could hear, and the voice kept getting louder, saying “get over it Leo… Get Over It Leo… GET OVER IT LEO!!!”… to the point that I snapped, and got over it. I got over being mentally cuffed by the fears that I have and now have to produce that action of fearlessness.
I could go into detail, but I won’t – because that detail isn’t the message I want everyone to read. The message is, stop acting on your fear. Everyone reading this knows the things that they have to do to make their life better, or to make their situation better. If your already comfortable with your situation or life, either your delusional, fearless and not need to read this, or don’t care. I can already think of names and people who I know act on fear, which is masked by their anger and frustrations, and I’m one of them.
You already know how to get over your fear, what you have to confront, what you have to do. You know it isn’t by bashing doors down, or blowing stuff up, or telling your bosses to kiss your ass, or telling that ex-lover how much you hated them. Rather it’s by knocking on that door you didn’t want to knock on, talking with your boss about what you want to do, where you want to go to see if they can help you, and sitting down with that ex-lover and telling them how you feel. THAT’S HOW YOU GET OVER YOUR FEAR! You get over your fear, not by one big drastic move, but by the smaller ones, the day to days ones, like 1 domino hitting another, hitting another, hitting another knocking into other larger stacks, causing momentum, where in the end a design is made. You don’t get over fear with anger, hate, you get over fear by resolution.
We live on fear, history has told us American’s that fear is a very important in controlling what happens to our world – slavery, racism, current wars in Iraq, immigration. Fear is a motivator, allow you to follow the loudest, most cut throat person in the room. Fear divides people, nations, countries, ethnicities, and even our own actions. On the smaller scale, fear makes us seem schizophrenic, one day happy, next day upset, next day worried, next day happy, next day upset. While this is happening we are loosing sleep, staying up late, finding our avenues to get away from what is causing us stress, anger, hate. Rather than turning to these problems, our shitty jobs, the things we do that we know we can’t keep up with, our honest opinions of people, we say nothing, do nothing because we are afraid – afraid of the change, afraid of the turmoil, afraid of what is going to happen.
I really wish I could send out a hundred personal messages to people, and tell them exactly what I mean. There are those who I know who I hope these hits close to home, who reads this and understand the point that I’m trying to make, and who understand that I’m talking directly to them in my attempts to be vague. One of those persons is myself – I’ve been afraid for too long. Afraid of what being 25 and being a virgin means, afraid of meeting new circles of friends because I may alienate my old friends, afraid of being successful and doing the day to day things I need to do to pass my classes without rushing, to obtain a new skill, to be more proficient. Afraid to say something bold, bland, to tell someone directly what I think, why, or what I need from that at that moment, because I may come off as an ass.
Rather than ending by saying “FUCK YOU” or “FUCK FEAR” or something with a profanity that makes me seem bolder than I normally would be, only masking my real fears beneath bold words, I’m going to end it by saying that I’m not afraid anymore. Not afraid of tomorrow, not afraid of the next moment, the next second, the next hour. Each moment, each hour that I live with fear is a moment, hour, second that I missed, a moment, second hour that life has passed me by, that I grow older, that time continues to pass, and to do it all in fear is ridiculous. Rather I’ll end this by saying that I’ve gotten over my fears, have you? What’s stopping you?